Fleet of feet...

...is NOT what I am...

Yesterday morning, JTFB celebrated the Air Force's 62nd birthday in true military fashion...by running a 3.5 mile flight line run. We are in the mountains and the farthest I've ran since I got here is only 2 miles...so I wasn't sure how I would do. So, I set 2 goals for myself: 1) get a T-shirt (only the first 200 people to finish got one) and 2) don't get picked up by the ambulance. I was very proud of myself as I accomplished BOTH of these goals. I do want to improve my run time, but I never stopped running, despite the leaking camel-back canteen I was wearing that wouldn't allow me to drink from it, so I just carried an extra 4-lb load on my back and still cramped up half-way through the run...so much for military-issue gear...:/

Remember what I said in the last post about my gazelle-like LT posse? Well as I was standing at the finish line after the race, waiting for the non-t-shirt-recipients to cross the finish line, I saw Jen and Marydell standing near the water buffalo (big orange water cooler). So I sarcastically asked Jen, "Did you finish in under 10 minutes?" "NO..."she said and just smiled. As if on cue, the MC got on the bull horn to announce the top finishers. "COMING IN FIRST FOR THE FEMALES, LT JEN RICHARD!!"...wow...she is THAT fast...then"COMING IN THIRD, LT MARYDELL WESTMANN!!" ...hmmm...I am now convinced that I need to find another herd of slower-moving-than-me gazelles to run with so that I won't be the one picked off by the lion...that or keep to the trees with the rest of the monkeys...

ANYWAY...my promotion party was OUTSTANDING! Everyone that I wanted to show up managed to make it out...and THEN some! I bought just enough food...and it all went...and had just enough left over to keep the bar tab running for about 2.5 hours...and I still came in under budget! It was the most fun I've had since I got here! I thought maybe 50 people would come, but closer to 100 showed up and my troops did all the set-up, clean-up, bartending and cooking without me even asking...there are a lot of great people here.

I have to give my boss a little credit too. Apparently using a sharpie to color in the butter bars is called a "Field Promotion" in the Army. So I guess it wasn't that bad. It actually looked pretty convincing! I'll post some pictures as soon as I can download them from my camera.

I'm now officially an Lt of a different color!

...Jane...out...

Ever heard that saying...

...too much of a good thing can be bad? Well, there is a reason THEY say that. Because as nice as all the people I work with are, only 2 of them are officers and they are never around. So its usually me and several of the enlisted troops at the pool, at the chow hall, etc. I didn't actually realize until today that I was spending entirely too much time with this crowd. But as they sat huddled around a care package that one of them had received, playing with a 20 Questions electronic toy, trying to get it to guess "butt" and "booger" and other non-g-rated things...I had to ask myself...really?!

So I promptly made up an excuse to leave and waited for my female Lt posse...there are 3 of us...to do a yoga/pilates session in the raquetball court. It was a big hit and the best thing was that I was so much better at it than they were! You have to understand that I am Mutt to their two Jeffs as one ran cross-country/track for Notre Dame and the other is a member of the Army 10-miler club...so needless to say they are both petite and very fast runners. If we were a herd of gazelles, I would be the one that tripped over my own big hooves only to be consumed by the lion...while the faster two would gracefully gallop away to safety. Well...I got news for them...if we were a troop of monkeys that depended on balance and flexibility to keep our hairy butts in the trees, they would be the two that fell out of the tree only to be consumed by...whatever eats monkeys! Hey, I have to celebrate my victories...small as they may seem...

Still waiting to hear...about my hearing...I think its getting better, but its hard to tell.

Tomorrow is my pin-on party for 1st Lt! Yay...and my boss...in all his cleverness (sarcasm) decided to just bring a black sharpie and color in my gold bars rather than ceremoniously pin me on in my service dress...I think he would probably fall out of the tree too...now that I think about it.

...Jane...out...

random thoughts

What the heck did I ever do to Montezuma? I never even met the guy!

The only good news is that my eardrum is intact, just full of fluid, so it can't move...hence the no-hearing thing...still waiting for it to come back.

I also registered for classes today, which was super! I can't wait to have something to occupy my evenings. Too bad they don't sound like fun at all...Managerial Economics and International Business...hmm...

Anyway, I had orders on my desk this morning when I got to work. My boss is making me go with him on an "ambassador" trip to meet several of our contacts in the country. I'm actually looking forward to it so that I can take a REAL bath (I get to stay in a hotel) and use a REAL bathroom! No cats or ducks or goats or chickens for 3 whole days! I may actually get to sleep an entire night without the roosters crowing!

I miss you all!

Sorry this one isn't funny...I'm kinda depressed about how the Bills-Pats game just ended...stupid Tom Brady...

...Jane...out...

What?!

So you all remember how much I loved my time on the range blowing stuff up with Special Forces...well, yesterday I got to go again...yay!

I had a blast. I got to shoot one of their super cool M4s with a scope and silencer...which was AWESOME! I was on the range from 0730-1530 with the morning being M-16 firing, and the afternoon being M-9 firing. I love my job sometimes...

There are inherent dangers to going shooting with SF, however, not the least of which is the fact that they sometimes forget to yell, "FIRING" before they put it on burst and dang near give you a heart attack while your minding your own business, stuffing magazines on a 15 minute break... Such as was the experience that I had. One of the SFs decided to let a few off without warning and I didn't have my ear protection in...

This happened in the morning, so the rest of the day I was rather entertaining to try and communicate with. I didn't actually feel my ear drum tear, but I'm sure that's what happened as I can hear nothing but ringing on the right side of my face, and I only have about 50% on the left side...hope it comes back :/

Well, other than not being able to hear any conversations and merely smiling and nodding leaves one open to a few jibes here and there. The SFs are all enlisted and take every opportunity to poke fun at the officer, all in good fun of course...

Last night, however, proved to be the most challenging as I had to get decked out in my service dress and attend an official Air Force birthday party...we are 62 now...in case anyone was wondering...and the social hour/dinner was 4 hours of me saying, "WHAT!? HUH?! or...SPEAK INTO MY GOOD EAR!" which usually just led to the person shaking their heads and walking away. I had several lengthy conversations with many people and have absolutely no idea what was said...it was very funny though, as I'm sure all of you who know me can imagine... because I had absolutely no volume control as I could'nt hear myself...its like in National Lampoons Christmas Vacation..."GRACE....she died thirty years ago...NO!...THE BLESS-ING!!!"

The best part though, was all of the ceremonial standing up and sitting down and toasting which more or less requires you to hear the commands given in order to follow suit as appropriate. Well, in the state that I was in last night, I was about 2 seconds behind everyone else to perform all of the actions indicated, which made me think of the time when I was in that ballet/dance recital video at the age of 4...dad, I know you remember this one...where I'm the only one completely out of step and off-time for the duration. At least this time I wasn't wearing a funny pink costume!

I'll let you all know when my hearing returns to normal...til then it should make for some interesting commentary!

...Jane...out...

Long weekends...

...aren't as much fun in 3rd world countries. "Wanna go off-base and get groceries?" one of my friends asked yesterday..., "Sure." I said and off we went. The bus ride was hot and crowded...full of local day-laborers and cantrachas, with about 8 of us Americans from the base bouncing along the highway. It was terribly hot and the Spanish musica was terribly loud.

...Let me just interrupt myself and have a little flashback for a moment. For those of you who haven't heard about my initial journey across Honduras from San Pedro Sula Airport to Soto Cano AB, I would like to relive that for you now...

Our trip from the airport 9 days ago didn't exactly start off well. We got through security okay, and our detail met us (myself and one other Capt from MED), but then we had to wait...and wait...and wait... The airport was unairconditioned in the waiting area so we decided to wait outside where we were greeted by about 50 sweaty cab drivers shouting "Taxi!!!" a little too closely. Apparently when you say no to a taxi, it's only good for about 10 minutes, because that's how often they would come up to us to see if we changed our minds...

After nearly being decapitated by a microphone boom, then being trampled over by local Paparrazi chasing some telenovela star, our escort came and put us in the van and told us to wait some more. Sweaty and exhausted, we waited 3 more hours before we finally began the long overland trip back to the base. At first, it just looked like countryside and beautiful mountains...then we came to the town. I have never seen so much garbage in my life. It was appauling. Literally tons of garbage lined every inch of road on either side and the ramshackle huts, that were hastily built out of any of the usable garbage, leaned up against every legitimate building and extended for several square blocks. It was just like the opening sequence in Slumdog Millionaire, for those of you who have seen it. I was not expecting that level of poverty, but that's what they mean by 5th poorest country in the world...I guess.

There are also no rules for obtaining a drivers license in Honduras, so 9 out of 10 drivers has no idea what they are doing...there are no lanes, no rules, and no right-of-ways, so it was a long trip on the edge of my seat as we blew past slower-moving vehicles in the on-coming lane. Even Rome wasn't as bad as this! Because its not just busses and vehicles, it's bicycles and animal-drawn carts that you have to watch for also. When traffic was moving...this is what would go past...

school bus (all of which are converted for public transportation by hastily scrawling profanity on the sides with spraypaint) ...trash...donkey...trash...people...shanty...trash...horse...trash...school bus...people...trash....etc.

Random farm animals are just tied up by the side of the road...no electricity goes to the houses...it is a starkly-contrasting scene from the beautiful mountains that line the background. The worst part of the trip, however, was that no matter how much I begged for air conditioning in both English AND Spanish, our driver refused to comply or answer me at all. So the overwhelming smell of all this garbage mixed with the oppressive heat and the frighteningly bad drivers made the trip one of the WORST experiences of my recent recollection. It also took nearly 4 hours...ugh!

...so, needless to say, I haven't exactly been jumping at the chance to relive that experience by going off-base. But, it is a very small base and one does feel rather stir-crazy after a few days, so a trip outside the gate sounded like fun.

Well, it was just as dirty and scary as I remembered and I was so uncomfortable by the poverty, I didn't really enjoy it. It's not like being a tourist anywhere else I've ever been. The "nicest" grocery store in the town of Comayagua smelled like death and wet dog so I wasn't comfortable there either. I feel like a jerk writing this, but...its just hard to be excited about this place. I hope to get a chance to go to some of the other countries here and visit some other places, because I'm sure that everything isn't this bad...but if you read this, pray for these people because they can use all the help they can get.

...the good news is that, although the power was out for 7 hours today (ugh!), at least I'm not playing Gilligan's Island with the skipper and his cantrachas on some deserted island in the Gulf...

jane...out...

if its too good to be true...

...it probably is...

So, how great would it be to get an email from your soon-to-be-boss about renting an island with some officers and chill-laxing on a private beach for the 4 day weekend?! You'd probably be like, yeah! That sounds great! Then...over the next few days...you'd find out the following...after you already agreed to go...

1) There is no air conditioning in the "cabin"

2) There is no flushing toilet...you have to burn "everything"...

3) The trip is going to cost about 300$ more than you agreed to (you have to take ferrys and water taxies everywhere and buy gas for the generator)

4) No TV, Radio, Communication

5) No officers, just male NCOs and your male boss and their "cantrachas" (Honduran women..."friends" that don't speak English)

6) No food, you have to bring EVERYTHING YOU'LL NEED...on a 6 hour overland bus ride and 2 1-hr ferry rides

7) The island is only about 50 yards long...so there is no escape!

As these details begin to unfold (none of the information came from my boss who encouraged me to go) I got progressively angrier and redder (my rash gets REALLY red when I get irritated) and started flaring my nostrils ever wider until I finally snapped and told my co-workers, who were smart enough to know better than to agree to go in the first place, that I was going to back out of the trip...

..."DEAD LT WALKING!" "YOU DON'T WANT TO SIT NEXT TO THE LT...YOU MIGHT GET ON THE COLONEL'S BAD LIST TOO...GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION!", etc. were the calls that would ring through the halls of my building, the chow hall, and from random passersby as I would pass through. By lunchtime I was convinced that he was going to blacklist me and the next 6 months would be pure hell as my boss would HATE me.

...but the thought of all that time alone with him and his contrachas didn't sit well with me...so I stuck to my guns and told him I wasn't going...he blew me off and said we'd talk later, so I sent him a well-written email to ensure that he knew that I would not be going on his little escapade to babysit him and his contrachas.

When I walked into his office after he returned, I was fully prepared to have my birthday taken away and get ordered to clean the latrine...but instead, he just acted...wait for it...disappointed! Really?! I had totally prepared myself for a chewing...but he was just disappointed, and then I felt bad!

...but it was a fleeting feeling and I jumped in one of the gas-powered golf carts and drove away through the dirt roads...hooting and hollering at my victory...honking at the chickens and kicking up gravel all the way home....

Score another for the LT...no longer on Contracha-duty!

Jane...out...